please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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