Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
