I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
