You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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