Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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