We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
