And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
