I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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