Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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