Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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