The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
