What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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