i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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