So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
