my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
