I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We were destined to go to rehab together
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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