So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
