I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
