I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
