Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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