dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
