you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
