Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I die, sorry about rent.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
