A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Randomize
