There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
