i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize