his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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