life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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