think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
