If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
