I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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