I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
