Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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