Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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