I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
