I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
