If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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