so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
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