cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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