Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
