I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
