Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
