His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
