Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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