Who did Billy Mays play for?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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