today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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