I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
