I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just found a bag of teeth...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
