i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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