thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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