just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
