I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
