Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize