Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
