i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
