Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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