Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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