I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize