I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
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