brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
