Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
God, I missed his penis.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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