yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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