I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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