Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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